There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
