I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
