You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
