I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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