she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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