Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
