Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
