Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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