i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
