They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
