Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
