I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
