Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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