I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
