mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize