I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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