I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize