i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
