You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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