dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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