He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You dont lie about slip and slides
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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