I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
