Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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