i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
