when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
