update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
