Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
