I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
