I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
