Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
FUCK WHALES
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
