He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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