Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
