Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
