my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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