How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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