Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
