Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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