She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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