I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
