I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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