I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
