My sheets look like a crime scene.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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