dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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