but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
