I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Every concussion has its silver lining
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
