Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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