Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
