i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
