we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
