Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
