Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
