so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
