A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
