Im at strip club and am horny
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
