They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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