Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
