I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
