why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
