Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
