I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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